Due to overwhelming popular demand to excommunicate this scribe from the All Nepal Non-working Journalists Union for causing several readers to throw up while reading last week's episode, today's column comes with a statutory government health warning that it should not be read while partaking of food in the presence of unattended minors. That said, we can proceed now where we left off with our next and final installment of important tips for visitors to Nepal so they can cope with cultural shock when they arrive on our shores.

One of the best ways to get the most out of your brief sojourn in Shangrila is to carefully observe the gestures and manners of the inhabitants and imitate them so you can blend in. And one of the first things many outsiders notice on arrival at Tribhuban Incontinental Airport these days is that commandos guarding the perimeter have been issued shoot-on-sight orders at all departing passengers.

WHAT IF I AM ITCHY?
Despite such heavy security, one notices that airport staff risk life and limb to scratch themselves in public. In fact, if we didn't already have a national past-time (protesting regression), attending to a bodily itch could well be it. I know from personal experience that in some primitive cultures scratching and sniffing private parts in public is frowned upon. Not so here. Nepal is a safe haven for itchy persons and visitors can scratch away to their heart's content and no one will bat an eyelid. In fact, one can poke around in one's toolbox without let or hindrance in most public sector places in Nepal, beginning with the arrival parking area.

WHAT IS NEPALI TIME?
Nepal Standard Time is plus-minus two hours of whatever is indicated on your wristwatch. Nepali Time is elastic and it is one of the few places in the solar system where Einstein's Theory of Space Time Continuum can actually be scientifically demonstrated since time can actually be observed to bend. This is why Nepalis will never do today what should have been done three weeks ago. They will wait till next Friday, according to shaman Ashok Bajracharya. In fact, we are a nation state in such an advanced stage of repose that we will not do in this life what can be accomplished in our next.

WHAT ARE THE RULES ON TIPPING?
Yes, I'm afraid you'd ask that. Tipping is mandatory in Nepal and, unlike most other places, is given before a job is done. For instance, if one is a convicted international narco-terrorist, one tips the judges to let one off. Nepalis aren't so crude as to call it a bribe, we call it a Facilitation Fee. Never, never offer a bribe with the left hand since it is considered an impure part of the body. When offered a bribe it is considered rude if the recipient doesn't eat it immediately. In fact, a common form of greeting in the corridors of power in Nepal is: "Ghus khanu bho?" Luckily, you don't have to answer, it's just like saying "Good morning".

CAN I DRINK THE WATER?
Ha! Ha! Ha! What water?