The news that there are over 800 cannibals in Germany means our news values must adapt to the relentless march of time and reflect the evolution of societal feeding habits. So, let's say, a dog bites man. That is not news unless the canine in question is a female perpetrator in which case the headline would read: 'Bitch bites man'. On the other hand, as has been known to happen in the heat of the moment, if some men do end up biting dogs, then the story deserves a banner headline:

Man Bit Me, Alleges Mongrel
BY OUR MEDIA WATCHDOG
Lalitpur - Police took a Patan resident into custody Friday night after a neighbourhood dog lodged an FIR that he (the man) had chewed off part of his (the dog's) ear during a fracas at the garbage pile at Ekanta Kuna.
"I wasn't trying to grab headlines," the man said in an exclusive interview from his jail cell, "I was just
rummaging through the rubbish, and this mongrel dared me to bite him. So I did." The dog, which was reported in critical but stable condition at B&B Hospital, did not return calls and could not be reached for comment.
But his lawyer told journalists at a Meet the Press function (chaired by Rishi Dhamala) yesterday that
the dog was only trying to liven things up on a slow news day. "If my client had bitten the man, it wouldn't be news would it?" he asked rhetorically.

Honest Taxman Felicitated
FROM THE DUTY FREE DESK
Kathmandu - Nepal's only honest tax collector was awarded the country's highest civilian honour at a public ceremony here today and given a commemorative plaque which he refused to take and a dosalla which he returned to the organisers. "What are you trying to do, bribe me?" Mr VAT Man 2003 asked.

Mock Emergency Declared
BY ANOTHER ONE OF OUR ANALLY
RETENTIVE ANALYSTS
The government Tuesday re-imposed a state of national emergency, but said later it was just only a mock exercise to test the public's reaction. This came the day after HMG conducted a pretend emergency at the BICC with pretend dead and wounded to gauge the response time of pretend ambulances and fire trucks. There was also an anti-aircraft battery test-firing exercise in Jawalakhel at midnight Thursday to measure the panic level of the capital's residents. "Most people just snored right through it," said the director of the National Emergency Monitoring Unit. "If you want my frank opinion, I think people in Kathmandu have all fainted with boredom."

No English Speeches: Minister
In a cabinet decision, the government instructed government officials Tuesday to henceforth deliver all keynote addresses in Nepali. The move was generally welcomed by Kathmandu-based diplomats who said they would now no longer have to pretend to be asleep during ministerial speeches. They would be able to really fall asleep.