As we strive for service excellence, the seemingly unconcerned authorities are planning to hand out Visitor Feedback Questionnaires to dear and departing tourists while they wait for their flights at Kathmandu airport.

This is an excellent idea: it helps them kill time, especially if the Loyal Nepalis' Airline has just said it regrets to announce that the flight to Dubai has been postponed till 4AM tomorrow morning, and any inconvenience caused to passengers is not unusual.

Filling multiple choice questionnaires is no joke. It is like taking a final exam, needing deep concentration, the power of evaluation and subjective judgement. The feedback will all go to help our tourist industry finetune its product range, upgrade services, streamline procedures so that we find out the lacunae where we don't yet charge entry fees.

To start with, tourists will be required to mandatorily pay $5 for taking the trouble to fill out this form. The money will be used to print more questionnaires for future feedback. We aim to please, and realise that there is always room for improvement to make your stay in Nepal more profitable for us.

Please be so kind as to take a few moments of your time to complete this short survey. The information you provide will be held in strictest confidence, unless of course you decide to be nasty in which case we will put your name and address on our website.

1. Did you find Nepal up to your expectations?
Great Ahem, not really What expectations?

2. If you were looking for Nirvana in Nepal, did you find it?
Yes No Om

3. What was the condition of the public toilets?
Excellent Needs Improvement Mfffgharrrgh

4. Was your privacy respected?
Go away No, I don't want to buy another bloody khukuri
You want to see my khukuri?

5. What is your opinion of the promo ads about Nepal that you have seen?
Lies Damn lies Statistics

6. Which of the following did you expect to see during your visit versus what you actually saw?
Expected to see Actually saw
Gorillas Guerrillas
Gurkhas Airport friskers
Yeti Yak & Yeti
Paradise Paragliding

7. How do you rate our overall service?
Compared to what? You really want to know? Let's just say it was a memorable trip

8. Was the visa officer at the airport courteous?
You're joking, right? Can I have my change back? $50 minus $35 is $15, not $5

9. Was the guy with the light submachine gun at Birethanti courteous?
Yup yup yup No doubt about it Absolutely
Sure thing Unh-huh That is affirmative

10. Who will you recommend Nepal to:
Friend Foe Friend and foe alike

11. If one more guy asks you to pay Rs 300 to enter a Durbar Square, you will:
Strangle him with your bare hands in broad daylight hours
Embrace him tightly and execute a Heimlich Maneouvre so he regurgitates his lunch
Drop verbal hints about his canine motherhood
Show him the khukuri you bought