The greatest thing about living in a democracy is that we all have the right to be demanding. Anyone, including you and me, can come up with a list of demands, and launch an incrementally escalating protest for the government to fulfil at its earliest convenience.

So, on behalf of 24 million Nepalis and in the interest of upholding our free demographic way of life, I humbly submit below my own 18-point list of demands which the powers that be will ignore at their own peril. If these demands are not met with immediate effect, I will begin a phase-wise program of civil disobedience which will culminate in a violent pen-down strike over the Dasai-Tihar holidays:

1. The government should, right this minute, regain territory ceded to the East India Company in the Sugauli Treaty, restore the country's pre-1814 boundaries and make Nepal greater again.

2. Ok, ok, let's at least get them to agree to give us back Kalapani.

3. Never mind, just make sure for now that Border Pillar no 138 on the Mechi River is moved 20m to the east and restored to its original upright position.

4. The government should immediately scrap all unequal treaties with the international community, beginning with the 1950 Indo-Nepal Treaty of Friendship and Cooperation.

5. Having said that, and come to think of it, why not keep that one, and opt out of the Kyoto Protocol instead. Yeah, all together now: Kyoto Protocol Murdabad! Chief of Protocol Jindabad!

6. Our sixth demand is that all our previous demands including the 137-point ultimatum delivered to the Ministry of Re-education, Self-criticism and Aquaculture be fulfilled without further ado.

7. Otherwise we may be forced to list all those 137 demands right here point-by-point and that may take till midnight, or until the cows come home, whichever happens later.

8. Oh yes, can I have a coffee, please? Black without sugar.

9. Make available Journalist Discounts on all international and domesticated flights with immediate effect, otherwise we will create nuisances on board that may endanger the safety of fellow passengers and ourselves, for which the air crew will have to bear full responsibility for the consequences.

10. We're only up to 10? When are we ever going to get to 18?

11. So, moving right along to the next point in the agenda: we demand that these demands be taken seriously with a pinch of salt. If not we will go on a hungry strike and skip afternoon snacks until the country is restored to its pre-October 4 glory.

12. All political leaders will have to sign a prior consent form before they get their fraternal and maternal organisations to launch decisive protests, so that the authorities are apprised of the exact modus operandi while taking them into custody. Tick applicable box: When arrested, I want to be under:
i) Court Arrest
ii) House Arrest
iii) Cardiac Arrest

13. Everything in Nepal should be free of cost, and all noodle packs must have diamond necklaces.

14. This agitation will be temporarily suspended on weekends, during Dasai and by the UML for 'technical reasons' without prior notice. Management is not responsible for the consequences.

15. The next three demands (no 16, 17, 18) are non-negotiable. They can never be met, but they will not be disclosed at the present time because we reserve the right to bring them to public notice at a later date. Look at it from our point of view: if you meet all of our demands, how on earth can we keep on declaring indefinite countrywide strikes in future?