Every 60,000 years or so whenever Mars and Earth come to within a stone's throw of each other as the crow flies, we know it is once more time to take a long hard look at Nepali manhood. The last time Mars was this close, our ancestors were still running around naked in their caves, fighting tooth and nail over choice medium-rare mastodon cuts and over prehistoric constituent assemblies. Fighting is something we did well, and that glorious warlike tradition has carried on to this day. We may have failed in just about everything else, but we sure excel in the martial arena.

Being a martian race, therefore, we he-Gorkhalis have never shirked from exhibiting extraordinary valour when we come face-to-face with an adversary: whether it is the East India Company, or a rival Congress faction. Fossilised remains of petrified primitive newspapers recently unearthed from 60,000-year-old caves at Ichangu reveal for the first time that the roots of many of our present-day national traits were struck in those hoary days of antiquity at the dawn of history when Man was just beginning his journey to the pinnacle of evolution.

Collision with Mars Averted
By a Cosmic Correspondent

The Earth suffered a near-headon collision with Mars yesterday as the two planets came to within hair's breadth of each other, and disaster was averted only because an alert astrologer was able to apply the Earth's emergency brakes.

Astrologer Mangal Raj said his namesake planet suddenly swerved towards the Earth's orbit without warning, and the two missed each other by a whisker. "Whew, that was close," a visibly relieved Mr Mangal told reporters. "Thank heavens we're not going have a close shave like this for another 60,000 years."

Women Fed Up
By a Feminine Reporter

Thousands of women launched the first phase of their agitation against their better halves, called the 'Tij Offensive', by migrating to their ancestral caves in droves and threatening to go on a relay hunger strike until their 18-point demand was met. The demands included a moratorium on hirsute husbands running around in their birthday suits, a ban on, er, all voiding (audible or otherwise) in a confined space, and a requirement that hunter-gatherer husbands also learn to cook. "We know it won't happen in a million years," said one irate wife, "but it may get them off their butts."

Fire Discovered
By Our Resident Arsonist

Four juvenile male hominoids accidentally discovered fire Tuesday when the woolly mammoth they were herding got struck by lightning on Chobar Hill, home ministry sources said. The mammoth was burnt beyond recognition, and the young anthropoids said the incinerated mammoth tasted much better than a raw one. "This discovery will revolutionise cooking and warfare," predicted a prehistoric military historian on condition that this would be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Several disgruntled arsonists immediately started playing with fire, setting ablaze their living quarters and reducing their ancestral homeland to ashes.