Before Nepal became known across the world as the highest per capita consumer of instant noodles (Sponsor's announcement: "Each pack comes with free diamond necklace.") we used to be renowned for the diversity of our priceless flora and fauna.
From the political invertebrates in our Animal Kingdom, to the carnivores that move in herds across the business landscape, Nepal's fauna is as diverse as it is extensive. But how many of us, sitting here in Kathmandu, answer to the call of the wild? Will we ever know we're looking at a Greater Himalayan Red-vented Twit when we see one? Will we be able to tell the difference between Singha Durbar Nature Sanctuary and Bagh Durbar Hunting Reserve? In order to make it easier for us to find our way around Nepal's concrete jungles and identify the animals therein, we offer below a useful guide for wildlife enthusiasts:
Grey Langur (Bandar seri bhagawan): Handsome and clever, solitary and without scruples, spends much time foraging for juicy contracts. Believes in give and take, and spreads his wealth around. Diet: rarely observed eating anything other than paan and will mark the perimeter of his domain by spitting red juice along the corridors of power.
Himalayan Red Panda (Habray nepalensis rosso): Shy and reculsive, resides on the jungle canopy with occasional forays down to the undergrowth to dig for subterranean tubers. Once thought to be nearly extinct, but has made a dramatic comeback. Range: Everywhere, but nowhere.
Wild Boar (Sus extortionum): Endemic across the midhills and in the Kathmandu Valley rim. Raids farmers' crops at harvest time, but eaten by humans if caught. Diet: food grains, electronic consumer goods and any moveable items in the house. Known locally as "khaobadi".
Barking Deer (Cervidae woofwoof politicus): Garrulous, and has a loud hooting call to magnify its stature. Mobile and mischievous, commonly found addressing large gatherings, moves in family groups and gathers in herds at election time. Diet: Voracious appetite, can be destructive to shrubs and trees, but if push comes to shove will even eat hard cash.
Lesser Eurasian Red Herring (Pisces maozedongeria): Roams in large schools with strict social order, scavenging bottom-feeder with strong jaws, often hunts at night and is famed for its whooping, blood-curdling cry similar to one emitted by extinct sub-species in Fengyang County. Habitat: Semi-underground, surfaces from time to time.
Chitwan Marsh Mugger (Crocodylus rumsfeldivum): Omnivore, will eat anything that moves in a globalised world. Well endowed, famed for mass migrations every four years from as far afield as Panama to Korea. Has huge hinged jaws which lets it consume medium-sized nations, can survive for months after a big kill.
Sloth bear (Ursidae soporificus): Indolent and sluggish, sleeps during the day with head on desk at Singha Darbar, emitting distinctive snore. Approach with care, can be vicious if disturbed. Diet: copious amounts of tea between naps, dry instant noodles (with free diamond necklace) for midday snack.
