Fed up with all the dismal news? Bored with politics? Irked by nosey parker journalists? Then we have good news for you in the new year. In fact, we're looking forward to a paradigm shift in the way the media covers news by accentuating the positive and making citizens feel better about themselves. Under the new guidelines made public by the Ministry of Informatics and Telepathy (Motto: "No news is good news") the media will play an important role in national reconstruction by building bridges, improving access, cementing ties and doing concrete things like erecting the headquarters of media societies in each district.

Here is a sample list of news items you are likely to see in 2003:

No Bandh on Feburary 29
KATHMANDU - With most days in 2003 already taken, the government has announced that February 29 is the only date still open for any political force which still wants to declare a bandh for whatever reason.
"We completely overlooked that date, I don't know how that happened," said a government mole in charge of bandh date allocation. "We have been taking bookings for bandhs on a first-come-first-serve basis, and due to a computer glitch, that date seems to have just slipped through the cracks."
The government will now auction off Feburary 29 to the highest bidder so that the goal of "Totally Bandh Nepal 2003" can be declared 100 percent successful. (RSS)

RNAC kissing assets goodbye
By Our Flying Correspondent
Royal Nepal Airlines is jettisoning assets in an effort to become a lean and mean airline, it is learnt from highly-placed sources at 35,000 ft.
In an exclusive interview with two-dozen reporters, the corporation chairman who did not want to be directly quoted by name, said the airline was going ahead with privatising the airline by selling off excess assets like overhead lockers, folding tray tables, life jackets, toilet flush tanks, all heavy-duty non-vegetarian items in the menu, and unclaimed gold bars smuggled from Hong Kong in 1988 and still lying concealed in the bulkhead.
"Aviation worldwide is becoming very competitive, and all this weight is dragging us down," the high-flying official said. "We're already mean, now we're working on the lean."

Minister bites corruption watchdog
From a CIAA Agent
KATHMANDU-The Commission for the Investigation of the Abuse of Authority has refused to confirm or deny that an ex-minister in custody bit the ear of one of his watchdogs.
Reliable sources had earlier told CNN that the corruption watchdog indeed had the tip of its right ear missing in a "work-related incident". He refused to divulge exact details of how the perpetrator was able to sink his teeth into the victim's ear lobe. As rumours of the incident spread, however, speculation was rife that bits of fur had been found between teeth of a former ex-minister during a routine dental examination. Unconfirmed sources said the ex-minister first wished his guard "happy new ear".
The watchdog in question has been given necessary injections, while the minister has been remanded in custody for obstructing justice and his request for a Rs 4 billion bail has been refused.

Prime minister climbs Mt Everest
From Our Mountaineering Correspondent
NAMCHE BAZAR, May 25 - A government team led by the prime minister has successfully climbed Mt Everest to mark the 50th anniversary of the first ascent of the world's highest mountain.
The prime minister lead a large rally from the South Col, marched up the south-east ridge chanting pro-monarchy slogans, and the rally was converted into a mass meeting when it got to the top. Addressing the gathering in a brief speech, the prime minister said: "Great view. Didn't think I'd make it. Better call Kathmandu and tell them I'm ok. Ladies and gentlemen, I am breathless with pleasure to be here today to remember that historic day 50 years ago when Mt Everest was still a virgin peak. Thank you all for coming. Let's get out of here."
Before declaring the function over, the chairperson of the Sagarmatha 50th Anniversary Celebration Publicity Sub-committee proposed a vote of thanks to the prime minister for taking time off his busy schedule to be on top of the world, and awarded him a certificate for being the first head of government to climb Mt Everest without the aid of bottled oxygen.