TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
It is hereby notified to all concerned that this year's Dasain Festival has been postponed. The festival was originally supposed to be held in five phases starting 11 October, but has been put off because of rowdy behaviour by our rulers. All concerned should watch this space for new dates, but expect it to be held in April 2003, or thereabouts. Goats and buffalos earmarked for martyrdom will now be allowed to carry on with their daily lives until such time as they may again be required to be decapitated in the epic struggle of good against evil. For further information, contact the Department
of Sacrifices.
ART
Home delivery of any antiques, religious objects, or statues of yoiur choice. You tell us what to steal and we'll steal it. Pay half now, half later. Instalment schemes and bank loans on soft credit also available. Our motto: Don't be idle as long as there are idols about. Order our catalogue today, or visit website: www.godrobbers.gov
WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAMME
Wanted: Tourists. Take part in Unique Weight Loss Programme in Nepal. We are looking for bright, enthusiastic and adventurous visitors to walk up and down incredibly steep and food-deficit mountains for 14 days carrying 20 kg backpacks. Guaranteed to lose at least 10 kg in a week, or your money back. Age, gender and caste no bar. Apply in person, paying $30 for a three month permit at airp
HEALING
Hypnosis. Is the world getting too much for you? Fed up with the state of the nation? Let our registered hypnotherapists take you on a trance. Sleep through the troubles and wake up when the country has been set right. Emerge from your sleeplike state a new man and/or woman.
Contact: [email protected]
POLITICS
Is there a technocrat in you? Do you have what it takes to be in the New Cabinet? Then you just may be the guy we've been looking for, but can't find. Meet us tomorrow morning before dawn at Nag Pokhari for walk-in interview. Bring cv with poster-size photograph. Password: Happy Days Are Here Again.
COUNTRY TO LET
Lovely, spacious, fully-furnished, landlocked Himalayan kingdom is available for immediate lease on a management contract. Excellent access to and from all neighbourhood attractions. Walking distance from India. Period and price negotiable. Highly experienced prime ministers, presidents and junta leaders with good financial capacity may kindly bring their full particulars when they call us after Dasain Holidays. No, wait, make that next year some time.
SPORTS
Immediate job openings for at least 15 Nepali athletes in the category boxing, shooting and weight-lifting at South Korean sausage factory. Attractive salary, free hot dogs for lunch. Contact: Relatives in the Greater Seoul Metropolitan Area.
VACANCY
Chief Executive Joker required for Nepal's top newspaper. Incumbent is losing it.
