9 Feburary Sundarijal: I am greatly disturbed since yesterday when we got the impression from the captain that writing paper wouldn't be available to us. I am anxious at the thought that we may be totally deprived of intellectual activities. Even if there are no books I could write my biography or the history of Nepal's democratic struggle in which I have very actively and at times centrally participated. Then I could jot down stray thoughts, take down notes from books (we have six second-rate books) write stories or even attempt a novel on contemporary socio-political developments in Nepal. If paper is not supplied to us, and if we can't contact our people for it or bring it ourselves-we had asked the officer here to get writing paper from the market from our money, when when we received that kind of information-then my life will really be extremely unbearable. It is most frustrating. I have started cutting out the blank margins from the two daily newspapers (Gorkhapatra and Rising Nepal) to save as writing material. Since I have to conserve paper, I have started writing small letters so that they may not take bigger space in the paper. I have three refills for my dot pen. I have a small bottle of ink and this pen which I am writing with. I don't know how long the ink will last. I brought this pen just fortuitously when I was sorting out my things at Patna on the eve of our departure to this place. Another cause of worry is that the doctor does not visit us although we have been asking for him. I am not feeling all right with giddiness and heaviness in the head, buzzing sound and pulse in the ears and bleeding from the nose. Regular visits from a medical man would inspire confidence that at least when we are ill we will be in safe hands.
Washed some clothes, didn't bathe, with this mental state I couldn't read. The day is cold. It started with hopes of being sunny and warm, but towards evening the day was overcast with clouds and cold wind blowing.
10 February
My mental tension continues, but it is not as high as it was yesterday because the major told me that he had not understood me when I said I wanted six quires of paper. He thought I wanted six sheets. But that was that, he said, indicating by implication that the misunderstanding would be closed and 6 quires of paper would be supplied to us. I also left it at that. But GM (Ganesh Man Singh) thinks that he made that statement just to be pleasant. And that he had referred our demand for paper to a "higher authority" which had not yet sanctioned it. GM says we should conserve paper and not be misled by expectation of relaxation in the matter. Today too they didn't send us the doctor. I became nervous and thought we would be deprived of medical attention. My present worry is that I don't get sound sleep and my head is constantly heavy with a buzzing sound.
A carpenter came to repair some of our windows. They supplied a bucket and mug for GM's bathroom. Ever since our arrival in this camp, i.e. since last 40 days GM had been asking for a bucket for his bathroom. It arrived only today.
During tea we talked about Nepal's politics and the imperatives of our return to Nepal. GM is firmly convinced that we have saved ourselves, our party and, if the response from the other side is equally informed with statesmanship, then the country [too] by this decision to return to Nepal. Now the ball is in the king's court.
