Recent breakthroughs in labs in the UK have confirmed what we in Nepal have known now for quite some time: that crows are collectively smarter than human beings. British scientists conducted an experiment in which they placed some food in a miniature hamper inside a test tube, and left a piece of copper wire casually lying around. Guess what the smarty pants crows did: they bent the wire into a hook, fished out the hamper, and had a picnic. Piece of cake, they are reported to have chortled. They even knew how to talk with their mouths full. Wow.

Although the scientific community at large is abuzz with this discovery, here in Nepal crow specialists were pretty blas? about the whole thing. Big deal. Nepali crows are much smarter than that, said Prof Kag KC, Head of the Centre for Crow and Raven Studies at Tribhuvan University, on condition of complete anonymity.

Our ancestors have known of the intellectual prowess of crows since the dawn of human pre-history, and that is why they nominated the bird as aide-de-camp to Yamaraj, the God of Death. The crow was chosen over a short-list of other applicants, which included a female Anopheles mosquito, a tick, and a fruit bat. Ever since they were given the appointment letter, it is a job crows have taken very seriously indeed.

Unbeknownst to the rest of the world, Nepali crows have climbed up the evolutionary ladder to become the apex species. They are at the top of the food chain, and not only are they now numerically superior to human beings, at least in our locality, they also have far better IQs. In fact, the time may have arrived for Nepal to have its first crow editor, first crow vice-chancellor, first crow prime minister, and a cabinet made up of ravens, rooks and jackdaws.

From my own personal observation at our favourite neighbourhood garbage pile (which is about ten metres away as the crow flies from where I am sitting now) I know that several of the carrion crows feeding on water buffalo pelvises there deserve PhDs. British crows may use primitive tools to extract hampers from test-tubes, but their cousins at Krishna Galli have discovered fire. Yes, they have learnt to set the trash ablaze so that they can organise regular barbecues of water buffalo T-bone steaks, well done, and invite guest crows from as far away as Babar Mahal for raucous feasts.

Crows, as we know, are socialist animals, which means that they are highly organised and have an efficient caste system with an elaborate division of labour. As winged scavengers, they are greedy, gregarious, they love to eat rotten stuff, they are uncouth, devious and love to talk with their mouths full. A perfect election symbol for a party without one.