We have just received a top-secret encrypted message from NATO Headquarters in Bhedasingh about its surprise inspection last week of the facilities at Tribhuvan Antinational Airport.

After decoding the message, we have learnt that the National Association of Tour Operators (NATO) found, and we quote, that "TIA meets all required facilities that are needed for an international airport, and its facilities are at par with other international airports of the region."

This is great news, and certain to warm our cockles and give tourism the big boost that it needs as we approach the Destitution Nepal Year 2003. The NATO Inspection Team has now made official what we suspected all along: that the facilities at our airport are as good as, or better than, the facilities at Patna International Airport.

Speaking at an interaction programme after the inspection, the secretary of the Ministry of Horticulture, Sports, Gymnastics and Tourism said: "Since tourists are regarded as God in Nepal, the airport has to be like Heaven. Every care has to be taken for the comfort and hospitality of visitors at the airport, which is the first place that they get the general impression about Nepal."

We couldn't have put it better ourselves. And this is not just idle talk. The ministry has taken steps to implement some of these procedures, and recently we have started seeing some dramatic improvements at
the airport:

1. There is now a fast-track queue for Nepalis at arrival immigration which has been extended so that the average time passengers spend at the airport has gone down to only three hours, giving them more time to enjoy the facilities.
2. A free sauna has been installed at the Sterile Lounge so that departing passengers can relax, sweat like pigs, and pass out if they so wish.
3. Passengers must have noticed that there are no clocks in the entire airport premises. This is deliberate. It is to give visiting tourists the impression that time stands still in Shangrila. (Flight Attendant: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Gods and Goddesses, we have just landed in Kathmandu, where the local time does not exist.")
4. For the convenience of passengers, the entire airport has been declared out of bounds for human beings who don't own cars. Arriving passengers have to trek down to the momo shop on Ringworm Road to be reunited with their near and dear ones.
5. Our divine visitors now have gender segregated pre-boarding security checks where they receive a free shiatsu of their kundalinis, and have their wallets mandatorily inspected for tips by uniformed masseurs.
6. The carousel area now has extra trolleys which are equipped with NASA-designed state-of-the-art oval wheels to give extra traction. Passengers also have a choice of extreme left-leaning and extreme right-leaning trolleys depending on their political affiliation.
7. The airport taxi contract has now been handed over to the Nepal Heritage Society which has deployed only cars 30 years and older to ferry passengers to the city. Besides being a tourist attraction, these vintage Datsuns show the world that we care about our culture and tradition.
8. Since the airport is the first impression people have of Nepal, NATO Headquarters is also thinking of preserving our customs so that any extra perambulators and binoculars tourists are trying to smuggle into the country can be nipped in the bud.