In the studio now I have Bhaichung Bhutia, and we are watching the Brazil vs Turkey match. Tell me, Bhaichung, was that a performance by Rivaldo or what?

Bhaichung: "Well, Gary, to be honest, I couldn't agree less. "

Thank you Bhaichung. Now, back to Ibaraki. Run, Rivaldo, run. Can Rivaldo run? Yes, Rivaldo can run. Can Rivaldo act? Yes, Rivaldo can act. Act, Rivaldo act. Now, see Rivaldo collapsed at the corner flag, clutching his face and rolling in agony after Hakan Unsal kicked the ball into his leg. See Korean referee Kim Young-Joo give Unsal the red card. Rivaldo doesn't deserve to be banned from the World Cup for the next five games, he deserves an Oscar for Best Actor in a Leading Role.

With all these celebrities running around all over our TV screens for a month trying to pretend that they are mortally injured, it is sometimes difficult to tell the difference between the Football World Cup and the annual Oscars. But with all the other world events competing for attention, it has become imperative for FIFA to try to do something to make football less boring. This time, for instance, the World Cup came within eyeball-to-eyeball and a hair's breadth of being upstaged by an India-Pakistan nuclear exchange, and in Nepal by the first ascent of a major Himalayan peak without oxygen by a Lifan motorcycle climbing alpine-style.

FIFA's Governing Body, being a democracy, is also distracted by its own politicking, threats of a split within the ruling politburo, allegations of corruption, vote-buying and rumours of a coup. But it must rise above these petty governance issues and take immediate steps to ensure that there are more goals. In this day and age how can you sustain viewer interest with a game in which, on average, there is only one goal per match? (Except if the Saudis are playing.) Here are some ways to get more goals into a game:
1. Double the width of the goalposts.
2. Eliminate goal-keepers.
3. Allow offsides.
4. Increase the number of players on each side from 11 to 56.
5. Reduce the ball size to that of a tennis ball.

In this manner, football will be much more exciting, and it would not be inconceivable to have a Brazil-China match with a score of 43-21. More goals also means more time to have commercial breaks, which means there will be enough sponsors to have the World Cup every year instead of every four years.

The other thing that slows football down is the rule that you can only hit the ball with your foot or your head. Look at the Americans, they took a boring game, changed the shape of the ball from a round object into something resembling a near-earth asteroid so it would bounce much more crazily, and then allowed Thai-style boxing, wrestling, and hand-to-hand combat in the field.

Soccer, in comparison, is a sissy and awkward game because players are banned from using their god-given hands. FIFA has made a start by considering legalising hooliganism inside the D-area, but this is only a small first step. The next big step is have a tournament with mixed teams with men and women, and allow everything in the field except kicking. Yes, Bhaichung, you wanted to say something?

Bhaichung: "I want to know why I have to wear this suit. Not only is it tight around the armpits, but I look like a total dork."