It is indeed a matter of great exultation and jubilation for all peace-loving Nepalis that the government has constituted a 234-member National Organisation Main Committee chaired by none other than the prime minister himself to mark the forthcoming Valentine's Day (known in some parts of the world as the United Nations' International Day of Sustainable Human Love) and celebrate it for three whole days in a grand nationwide manner next week.

Till the moment of going to press, according to the Valentine's Day Information System (VDIS) the main committee had already constituted 15 sub-committees, including the Publicity Sub-Committee headed by the Minister of Sex, Lies and Television; the Infrastructure Sub-committee headed by the Minister of Slash and Burn; and the Demographic Sub-committee headed by the Director General of the Department of Copulation and Family Planning.

According to the provisions of the VDIS Main Committee, the deadline for all Nepalis to disclose the identities of their boy and/or girl friends has been extended till midnight of 14 February, and failure to do so will result in the confiscation by the authorities of the said boy and/or girl friend and a Rs 1 million fine, or all three.

Having been dragged kicking and screaming to voluntarily disclose their secret Valentine partners and celebrate the festival in a grand manner nationwide for three days, lovers throughout Nepal are said to have either gone underground or fled to India for the duration of the festivities. Although he recently made public his deep respect and affection for Karisma Manandhar in a newspaper interview, Comrade Awesome now risks having her confiscated by the security forces in a cordon and search operation somewhere in the mid-western sector.

Valentine's Day is a celebration of love and lust: depending on whether the person in question is a woman or a man. There are some fundamental differences between gals and guys which may not be readily apparent to a casual observer with a naked eye. Us guys, for example, don't like mushy stuff, we don't like beating around the bush, we like to get straight to the point. (Guy on Valentine's Day: "Your place or mine?" Gal: "You go to your place. I go to mine.")

See what I mean? Gals are programmed to play hard-to-get. And it is up to us guys to show perseverance and, yes, resolve. One sure fire way to persevere is to buy your sweetheart flowers. What you are really saying when you give her a red rose is: "I hereby bequeath to you this floral tribute, which is actually the castrated reproductive organ of a rose plant (Latin name: Rosa coronaria) as a symbol of my deep lust for you. Am I making myself perfectly clear here?" The gal can respond in at least three ways:
a) take the rose and run like hell
b) tell the male perpetrator in question to wait and call the security forces
c) ask him if first if he has completed his VDIS forms and then go to his place.