I have this sneaking suspicion that I may not be speaking just for myself when I make a public confession that the trouble with new year resolutions has always been that by January 5th of every year, since records started being kept, I have usually resumed snarling at my slightly better half, plucking my nostril hair in public, and am back to five packs of Yaks a day.

The main drawback of new year resolutions, as I see it, is that they are not legally binding. There is nothing there in writing. And in the absence of a Letter of Intent that will stand up in a court of law, such resolutions are easily broken.

That is why this year I have taken the unprecedented step of getting corporate lawyers at the Bhattarai, Bhattarai & Bhattarai Law Firm to draw up a memorandum of understanding with my unreformed self, and got the document duly notarised by the Chief District Officer and signed by two witnesses who are senior civil servants in His Majesty's Government that puts me under a contractual obligation to abide by any resolution I care to make during the course of new year's eve. A draft of this agreement is now in my hands, and I must admit that given the stiff penalties involved in breaking one or more of the terms and conditions therein, I will think twice before reaching for ciggies on 5 January.

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION AGREEMENT
BETWEEN
I, ME AND MYSELF

Preamble
WHEREAS all Nepalis great and small are entitled to earn karma points during their ongoing life so as to ensure reincarnation as higher primates (hereinafter referred to as "monkeys") in their next life;
AND WHEREAS we consider that it is the interest of every citizen to enjoy the fundamental human right to make an ass of himself and/or herself in the course of the forthcoming solar new year that is soon going to be upon us;
DETERMINED to get intoxicated during the traverse by Planet Earth in its trajectory around the Sun of the exact spot in its orbit that it (the Planet Earth) was at 365 days ago;
BEING DESIROUS of making a perfect ass (hereinafter referred to as "donkey") of myself at midnight of the thirty-first;
BEARING in mind that I have already celebrated four other new year parties earlier this year (viz.: Bikram Sambat 2057, Nepal Sambat 1022, Lhosar and the Inuit New Year);
NOTING that although there is a case to be made for a moratorium on said new year parties, and a cessation of hostilities for the time being;
NOTING FURTHER that this country, however, needs to keep partying on since we no longer live in a partyless system;
I HAVE resolved with myself during the Gregorian New Year to carry out the following reforms in my general behaviour:
1. That I will get up every morning at 5:30AM, jog to Bankali and be back in time for a breakfast of muesli, whole-wheat, and a warm frothy health drink which used to be the favourite of a certain ex-prime minister of a neighbouring country who shall remain nameless for the purpose of this document;
2. That I will stop picking my nose in public (or private) unless ordered to do so in the national interest by a higher up authority;
3. That I shall not cast aspersions during the whole of 2002 about the female relatives of motorcyclists who try to overtake me from the left while on the Pani Tanki uphill.
APPENDICITIS - A
A Court of Arbitration shall be established pursuant to the Preamble above to resolve any disputes arising from the non-implementation of the above resolution, or if they are carried out in a manner that is not in consonance with the letter and spirit of this agreement.
APPENDICITIS - B
This agreement shall be deemed to be null and void if the contractual party and/or his boss decide to terminate this column during the new year in the national interest.