Nepali men are a bit insecure when it comes to food. Understandably so: they are so used to dal bhat and achar appearing automatically before them at mealtimes that they think food literally grows on trees; it doesn't, it grows in supermarkets. So when their wives threaten to go on strike demanding a ten percent service charge, there is in maledom a general sense of panic. It is time we men learnt to fend for ourselves. Men have to behave less like para-sites and more like para-commandos and teach ourselves jungle survival techniques that will allow us to make fire with a magnifying glass so we can prepare a feast of roasted beetles, rustle up a fine fungus salad with Thousand Island dressing improvised from the body fluids of a carnivorous pitcher plant, and for our just desserts, do a mouth-watering souffl? of red ant abdomens in wild honey.

Obviously there is a long way to go for mama's boys in Nepal. They need to learn to lead a hand-to-mouth existence from everyday raw materials found around the house. I have been testing some of these recipes in the safety of my own kitchen, and they range from easy-to-do dishes to more exotic and ambitious concoctions, and I'm sure they will make my fellow men to be more self-reliant, self-confident and self-centred.

Chewing Gum

(To serve a party of one)

Ingredients:
A six pack of wrigleys or chiclets
3 fl oz of home-made Saliva
Remarks: When the first pangs of hunger hit you after your wife/mother/sister/aunt goes on strike, chewing gum (bubble gum will also do) is always an easy way to postpone starvation. In terms of fast food, gum constitutes an instant and gratifying meal that works by fooling the stomach that you are indeed eating something whereas in actual fact you are not. Thus tricked, the stomach goes to sleep and stops bothering you.

Water with Aromatic Garnishes

(To serve one hungry Nepali male)

Ingredients:
1 litre of Kathmandu Tap Water

Remarks: Another way to deal with a female-instigated famine within the household is to fill your belly with pure Himalayan tap water. Don't boil or filter this liquid otherwise you will lose valuable protein-rich nutrients like micro-organisms, plankton and other unidentified floating objects.

It has been shown that an average Nepali male chauvinist piglet does not really need food at all, but can live for the rest of his life on tap water since besides water it also contains enough hydrocarbons and amino acids to meet the per capita daily calorie requirement of all Nepalis, great and small.

Instant Noodles with Spices

(For a family of six)

Ingredients:
One 350 g plastic packet of noodles
One 3 oz sachet of spices
One sledgehammer

Remarks: Variety is the spice of life, and a daily diet of gum and water, however wholesome, can get a bit dull. This is when BuyBuy chow-chow from a neighbourhood pasal can come to the rescue. Tear open plastic pack with your teeth, pour out contents, and eat the little plastic eraser shaped like a Star Wars character that comes free with every packet of BuyBuy. My particular favourite is Darth Vader, which has a delicate vanilla flavour, and a chewy texture a bit like turkey meat.

Pulverise noodles with sharp blows from a handy kitchen sledge-hammer, sprinkle spices to taste, toss lightly to let ingredients mix, lob into open mouth and munch noisily.

Boiled Eggs a la Murgh

(Special Non-Veg Treat for Eggeatarians) Ingredients:

One egg, or chicken, whichever comes first.

Remarks: The Boiled Egg is a particular gourmet delight reserved for special occasions like Easter and Bishwakarma Puja. First make sure egg was laid by hen and not a velociraptor. Toss concerned egg into pot of water and heat over simmering flame. Careful, overheating may cause egg to hatch. Roll egg from time to time to ensure Thermal Equilibrium within the Epithelium.

When tapping from inside the shell stops, you can be sure chicken little is dead, and the treat is ready to serve to an appreciative circle of family and friends.

Supari with Semtex

Ingredients:

One 25 g raw areca nut
One heavy-duty nutcracker
Three tons of Semtex explosives

Remarks: After a hearty meal, there is nothing like a deep burp and a supari to complete a traditional Nepali dinner. The problem is that a supari is so hard it needs a tunnel engineer to blast one into easy-to-eat pieces. I have it on good authority that the supari is a multi-tasking nut that works as an aphrodisiac, an astringent, an anthelminthic, an antihistamine, an anti-ulcer agent and even as an edible toothpick which dislodges bits of previously-ingested instant noodles from
your molars.

In some parts of Nepal, people even get married to suparis. Speaking of which, at this point in time I am so hungry I could eat my spouse.