Let the fun and games begin. Our honourable athletes are well rested, trained and ready for action in the Annual All-Nepal Knockout Tournament, which has just begun with the usual fanfare at the upgraded indoor sports facilities at the National Legislature. This year, the participating representatives have already shown a great spirit of sportsmanship, proving once more that it is not just a matter of winning or losing but of keeping the nation in their vice-like grip and letting nothing move. The athletes are in the best form they have ever been, and they have put a lot of practice into contact sports like Thai-style Boxing, Greco-Roman Wrestling and Fence-sitting. In this week's warm-up sessions we saw that our National Teams showed great eagerness to take matter into their own hands, and in so doing they got along like a House on fire.

One sport that is gaining popularity among the peoples' representatives is playing Tag. This is a simple and amusing game in which defenders and offenders try to tackle a minister carrying a speech before he can travel the 10 yards from the Treasury Bench to the Rostrum where the field goal is located. The offending forward can use a maximum of two sidekicks in a nickel and dime formation to outflank defenders. If heavily outnumbered, he can roll up his speech and make a Hail Mary pass to a quarterback darting towards the Rostrum for a touchdown. But if he fumbles the catch in the end zone then the speech is taken to the 20-yard line where the backbenchers have to tear the speech into little pieces and eat it. The most fun part of this game is the scrimmage, which is when everyone in the auditorium piles on top of one another to form a huge mass of parliamentary protoplasm measuring 10 metres across and 5 metres high on the House floor and can only be untangled by demolition experts equipped with blowtorches. Monday's preliminary round between reigning-champions Congress Young Turks and the Underfed Marxists-Leninists ended in a draw when an alert offender tackled a forward striker just half-a-yard from touchdown. Both teams now go on to the semis.

Although Tag is fun, it is in the martial arts that this year's Knockout promises white-knuckled entertainment for all Nepalis. This is why MPs are being intensively coached in throwing techniques, grappling ground moves, control holds, arm locks and choking manoeuvres-all judo movements that will stand them in good stead during the tournament. And since this is a country known for its democratic norms and Rule of Law, we have to lay down some House Rules on safety so that our valuable MPs do not come into harm's way:

. All MPs must wear mouthpieces, helmets and groin-guards when inside parliament premises. If dislodged, the Speaker will call time and have them replaced at the first opportune moment


. Dismemberment of a member is not allowed. All body parts should be checked to see if they are intact and functioning before and after bouts.

. Biting of earlobes, uprooting hair, and using wedding rings as weapons of last resort are strictly forbidden and will be enforced by the Chief Whips who will lash offenders.

. Feigning injury, or taking a dive, will be rewarded with free x-rays and CAT Scans on the House.

. In Greco-Roman Wrestling, Opposition Heavyweights will be paired with Ruling Party Overweights in the Finals. Full straight-back souplesse from a rear-standing position, or straight-back salto to the head with a three-quarter nelson with a leg hook and neck wrench will be allowed provided the neck is not forced beyond normal limits. All contestants must have written proof that they actually have a
spine before they can claim that it is broken.

If these basic rules are followed, and the Knockout is broadcast live on national television it will provide much-needed distraction to entertainment-starved Nepalis from all walks of life.