Now that a certain Large Neighbour to our south with a population of two billion has once more been officially declared the most beautiful country in the known universe, this leaves many of us smaller neighbours insecure and on the horns of a conundrum. As far as beauty is concerned, we are now living in a dangerously unipolar world, and this could sow the seeds of instability in the region and the solar system as a whole. To restore the balance of power, smaller nations in the periphery need to get together and begin secretly developing their own nuclear bimbo deterrents in order to catch up with India's mighty military-entertainment complex.

No other country in the world now comes even close to matching India's arsenal of beauty queens. So far as we know, India has successfully tested six bombshells in recent pageants. Intelligence sources and satellite surveillance show that it has a stockpile of a further six devices which are ready for deployment, and the country's defensive establishment is in the process of conducting trials on six more ten-kiloton warheads in the Miss Swimsuit category and four more in the Miss Photogenic category. What's more, these devices are now sleek enough to be fitted into two-piece launch vehicles with cryogenic capability so that the heavenly bodies can be put into geopolitical orbit.

India has gone ballistic, the question is what the rest of the world is going to do about it. There are three answers: "Practise, practise, and practise." Our girls need to go through rigorous training, re-kitting and streamlining to be able compete with the best designs India has on offer. The schematic diagram below was secretly obtained by our intelligence agents and depicts a state-of-the-art bimbette who was crowned last week at a Military Air Show in the Millennium Dome. The arrows point to soft spots where we need to get to work without much ado:



WARHEAD: This is the brain of the weapon. It should be quick and agile. No matter what the question, your answers have to be: "I am an incarnation of Mother Teresa", "I want to be a marine biologist/clinical psychologist", "I want to be the first woman to climb Mt Everest in a strapless peach gown".

NOZZLE: For in-flight stability, give yourself an aerodynamic nose job.

FORWARD-LOOKING RADAR: As long as you are at it, get a tooth job as well. Titanium alloy ivories will provide the tactical edge in a tight race, especially when you set it on auto-pilot smile mode.

FLAPS: Need to be fully deployed during landing.

DORSAL FINS: Remember beauty is skin-deep. To reduce drag, the outer coating needs to be sleek and bulimic.

SOFT UNDERBELLY: This is the most vulnerable part of the weapon system, needs to be guarded against fatigue and sagging.

PROPULSION SYSTEM: Never underestimate the power of a nice pair of these to get a leg up on the opposition.

UNDERCARRIAGE: It is the high heels that will give you the strategic advantage in this struggle for ultimate world hegemony.