1-7 April 2016 #802

Here today GONE tomorrow

Ass
There comes a period in the history of every nascent democracy when citizens are forced to ask: Is this government doing its job? Is this government accountable? Is this a government? Does it even exist? In Nepal, the answer to the last question is “Umm … maybe not.”

Everyone wants the Oli Collision Government to step down. But if it doesn’t even exist, how can it resign? Logically speaking, it is not possible, so when Prime Minister KPO told reporters this week he refuses to step down he has a point. He asked with his characteristic witticism: “If I am not here, I am there. And if I there, I’m not here.” There were no followup questions from aforementioned journos, who had fallen asleep. 



Cartoon: Diwakar Chettri

But the Prime Minister has raised an important question. Why should he step down, especially after his recent achievements which, in no particular order not even alphabetical, are: 

  • Got officious officials in offices of New Delhi to officially turn the unofficial Brocade off.

  • Kept Nepal functioning throughout the last 7 months by ensuring a smooth flow of lubricating oil to grease palms.

  • Foiled another Blockade by going to India before China. 

  • Wore gloves the whole time while in India so hosts wouldn’t steal his thumbprint. 

  • Took a Super Jumbo delegation to India as a show of force.

  • Oh yes, nearly forgot. Went to China, too.

  • Got the Chinese to agree to just about everything but forgot to put any of it down in writing in the spirit of the warm and close bilateral relations between China … and India.

  • Unleashed a dust storm in Kathmandu the day after his return to demonstrate his supernatural powers.

  • Since the chance of making a big blunder by taking a decision is so high, he has decided not to decide anything for now.

  • Keeping a low profile by being a prime minister who is neither seen nor heard until this hulla ballu of regime change subsides.

The Prime Minister may want us to leave him alone just as he is leaving us alone, but the fact is that most Nepalis want a change of government. There are many reasons for that, and I have forgotten the most important one. Hang on, it’ll come back to me in a sec.

Meanwhile, here is a commercial break from the Ministry of Misinformation which pays the media to become more self-reliant, self-important, self-righteous and self-censored by allocating government advertisements on a case-by-case basis, which means journos will be bribed with cases of cash each.

Unlike some of its peers the Donkey is not the type to take the money and run. My journalistic code of ethics compels me to be true to my salt, and tow the party line once adequately compensated. And to keep our end of the bargain here is today’s installment of government ads. We’ll be right back after these messages.  

MISSING 

Several external drives have gone missing from the Corruption Watchdog’s mainframe servers. The drives contain highly de-classified, sensitive top secret data on high-profile personalities which have already been leaked to the media. But they could undermine national security if they fall into the wrong hands. Anyone finding the missing drives should keep them. Beware: they shouldn’t tell anyone about it, least of all, us. They should crush the drives by running them over with a 20-ton truck, melt them down with a blowtorch and bury them at an undisclosed location since they are the only proof we have about the real crooks in this country. Federal Democratic Kleptocratic Government of Nepal  Ministry of Hard Knocks Lost It and Found Department 

PLAY GOLF, MAKE FRIENDS 

The Nepal Golf Club, a GONE Undertaking, announces a drive to enlist new members from the Kathmandu diplomatic corps, loyal members of the drooling elite, sections of the media industrial complex and other interested parties. Whether one plays golf or not, the message is the same: to exploit bonds and forge personal links with leading decision makers in the country and let them score birdies. Slogan: ‘Restore Monarchy after 18 Holes’. 

INTERNATIONAL TENDER TO CLIMB MT EVEREST 

In an effort to boost revenue, GONE is auctioning climbing permits for Mt Everest through international bidding. Sealed tenders are invited from interested expeditions desirous of breaking records on the world’s highest mountain for the Autumn Season 2016. Applications should list the activities they wish to undertake while on top: (Tick One) Land Hot Air Balloon on Summit, Rollerblade To Base Camp, Blast Off into Outer Space on Personal Rocket from Summit Launchpad, Open Scenic Momo Shop and Cutlet Outlet. Send tender document with earnest money in envelope and slip it under the table at Ministry of Tourism and Fatalism, Exhibitionist Road by 15 July. GONE reserves the right to accept in part or reject earnest money if it is not earnest enough without assigning any reason whatsoever. So there. 

I got it now. The Oli coalition must step down because we want a change of scenery.

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