9-15 October 2015 #779

Dasain postponed

Ass
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

It is hereby notified to all concerned that this year’s Dasain Festival has been postponed. The festival was originally supposed to be held in five phases starting 13 October, but has been put off because of the rowdy behaviour of some neighbours. All concerned should watch this space for new dates, but expect it to be held in April 2016 or thereabouts when it will be celebrated in conjunction with the new year to save diesel. Goats and buffalos earmarked for martyrdom will now be allowed to carry on with their daily lives until such time as they may again be required to be decapitated in the epic struggle of good against evil. For further information, contact the Department of Human Sacrifices. 

BLOCKADE DIET

Still looking for a painless way to lose weight fast without having to forego the ice cream? Visit Nepal now and participate in the world’s most effective weight loss program, that guarantees to burn off your love handles in one week flat or your money back. Blockade Diet begins with the trek from Kathmandu Airport itself and follow Hillary and Tenzing’s walk-in from Banepa to Lukla. Carrying 14 kg rucksacks, high protein diet combined with chronic giardia will make you feel instantly lighter. After return, all sightseeing in Kathmandu will be carried out on all fours. 

COUNTRY TO LET

Lovely, spacious, fully-furnished, high-caste, India-locked, secular, federified Himalayan republic in semi-knockdown condition is available for long-term management contract to qualified Class One Contractors with at least 25 years experience in managing failed states. Present owners have messed it up so much that selected team will have to pretty much start from scratch. Interested firms can inspect aforementioned unserviceable country in stripped condition in as-it-always-was condition anytime provided they can get there, and do not disturb the deep slumber of its current rulers. Walking distance from India. Contract duration and price negotiable in backroom deal. Only highly experienced prime ministers, presidents, despots, demagogues, and junta leaders need apply. Age and gender no bar. Call us with proof of financial capacity after Bihar elections. No, wait, make that next year some time.

HYPNOTIC STATE

Is the country getting too much for you? Fed up with the state of the nation? Up to here with the sadistic jokes about Indians? Let our registered hypnotherapists take you on a trance. Sleep through the troubles and wake up when the country has been set right. Emerge from your sleeplike state a new man/woman/other.  Contact: ursleepyverysleepy[email protected]

SAVIOUR WANTED 

A Failed State Between Two Boulders is re-advertising for a Saviour to replace long-in-the-tooth incumbent. Should be an almighty, omnipresent know-it-all patron deity who can solve all our problems overnight so we won’t have to worry about anything anymore. Knowledge of website design and Flash applications will be an advantage. Sri Pashupatinath eligible to reapply. 

Candidate must exhibit leadership qualities and command a competent team of technocrats. Only teams with extensive experience in horsetrading, passing the buck, wheeling-dealing, band-fand, tod-fod, ghoch-pech and street arson, organising 2-month bandhs, forcing school lockouts, kleptomania, junketeering, and selling-out the national interest need apply. On-the-job experience to make all the mistakes you want. 

Salary: Negotiable. Perks, benefits and side incomes as per standard operating procedure. 

FUEL FOR THOUGHT

Nepal’s weekly requirement of petrol: 1,500 kilo litres. Nepal’s weekly production of vodka, gin, ayla, thon and twant put together: 500 kilo litres. We need a blender to convert Nepal’s entire stockpile of spirits into high octane fuel for internal combustion engines. Necessity is the mother of all inventions. Go for it.

VACANCY 

Chief Executive Joker required for Nepal’s foremost English language weekly newspaper. Incumbent losing it.

Read also:

Vacancy: Prime Minister, The Ass

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