Asian Paints Nepal

27 May - 2 June 2016 #810

News in Briefs

No item of news is too trivial for us, as we can see from a peek into this week’s episode of News in Briefs.
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Due to space constraints, many important events taking place in the past 24 hours did not make it to page one. All the same, being a newspaper of record, we must mention them briefly in passing so that, centuries hence, researchers poring through the dustbins of history can glean interesting facets of early 21st century life in Nepal. No item of news is therefore too trivial for us, as we can see from a peek into this week’s episode of News in Briefs: 

Visa Relaxation for Old Geezers 

Kathmandu - In an effort to lure visitors back to Nepal, GONe has announced a special category of Relaxation Visa for senior citizens in the autumn of their lives, it is learnt. 

Details are sketchy, but sources confirmed that octogenarians and above will find safe haven in Nepal for the remainder of their natural lives provided they agree to certain terms and conditions like: not to make rude remarks on Twitter about our rulers, bequeath a large chunk of their assets to the national exchequer in their last will and testament, and to respect local culture by adhering to Nepali standards of hygiene and sanitation. In return, GONe will provide each retiree a free voucher for a once-in-a-lifetime Tibetan Sky Burial, and a guaranteed fast-track roundtrip to heaven and back to be reincarnated as an Asiatic One-Horned Rhinoceros calf. 

Acute Acronym Shortage Hits NGOs 

Kathmandu - Non-government Organisations (NGOs), Quasi Non-government Organisations (QUANGOs), Fly-by-night International Non-government Organisations (FLAMINGOs) and Mainstream Non-government Organisations (MANGOs) are facing an acute shortage of acronyms which is delaying registration of new organisms, it was revealed today at an all-Nepal Convention of Government-supported Non-government Organisations (GONGOs). 

“I don’t see how we can go on like this,” said the incoming secretary of the un-governmental group, INSECT. “At this rate, the registration of new NGOs will grind to a halt.” The outgoing chairperson of another non-governmental orgasm, HERPES, agreed: “This is an emergency. The government should do something about it.” 

Coke and Pepsi to Merge 



ATLANTA - Faced with huge losses after allegations that pesticide residue was found in samples of colas in the Sub-Indian Continent, Coke and Pepsi announced today that they are merging. “People were mixing us up all the time, so we decided why not?” said the CEOs of the two companies in a joint statement. The new company, Poke Inc, is now the largest manufacturer of carboniferous beverages on the planet. The new fizzy giant will soon launch a range of new products, including Poca Cola, Diet Coksi, Frite, and Poke Lite. 

Journo Held 

Kathmandu - A journalist carrying a large stash of counterfeit Indian currency hidden inside his fake bottom was held up by police at the airport today. “We apprehended the perpetrator for questioning because he was walking suspiciously on all fours as he went through the x-ray machine,” DIG Vijay Singh said. “On closer examination, his x-ray immediately raised eyebrows because none of us had seen haemmorrhoids of that size before.” Besides counterfeit Indian currency, the journalist was also found in possession of several items of fake news. Said DIG Vijay: “We knew the news was totally fabricated because none of the quotes were properly sourced.”

Regurgitated from

Under My Hat, #158

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