As we plunge headlong into the year 2072 BS, it is time for us as a nation to take stock of the past year and look forward to more of the same pointlessness in the coming one. In hindsight, it seems ridiculous, almost comical, how we blundered around aimlessly going to work every day last year when we could have announced nationwide shutdowns.
On the occasion of the new year, therefore, we pay tribute to the political myopia and official narrow-mindedness that has made Nepal what it is today. No point being disheartened, folks, however low a country sinks, however chaotic the past year, as the Carpenters put it so eloquently, “tomorrow will always be brighter than today and yesterday all our troubles seemed so far away”. Or was it the Beatles?
One never knows during these uncertain times how long we in the fourth estate will be allowed to vent our frustrations in broad daylight before the govt says enough is enough and curbs our freedom of expressionism. So, to protect every citizen’s right to know, we media persons have to defend and uphold our own right to get things totally wrong. We may not like what is going on around us, we may not agree with everything that is being said, but the constitution gives us the right to make things up as we go along.
Luckily we are all professionals here and we stick to our
journalistic code of ethics, and consider that lying is ok as long as we don’t do it on purpose. That makes life much easier and allows columns like these, which would be banned in any civilised country. Anyway, as a brief recap we print below a few items of news that did not see the light of day in 2071 because of space constraints:
Bomb Found and Lost at TIA
A plastic explosive that French police secretly planted inside an unsuspecting passenger’s suitcase in Paris last week to test airport security has been located in the baggage of a passenger arriving at Triboomban Antinational Airport Thursday morning, unusually unreliable sources said.
The bundle of explosives, which French sniffer dogs could not detect at Charles de Gaulle was ferreted out by Bhalu, the mongrel who has made TIA’s international apron his home and is often seen pre-inspecting incoming luggage for interesting tidbits.
“Yes, I can confirm that we have unconfirmed reports that Bhalu found the bomb and took it to an undisclosed location,” the head of airport police told reporters, requesting anonymity, “he may have mistaken it for a sausage and shared it with friends.” A Code Red dog-bomb alert has been put out in the capital.
NOC Employees Strike for Expensive Gas
Employees of the state-owned Nepal Oil Corruption (NOC) went on an indefinite strike Monday demanding a steep hike in petroleum prices.
“How can we make our ends meet and provide for our families if gasoline is so cheap,” asked an employee who was gheraoing the corporation’s premises by gham tapoing in the lawn. The All-Nepal Federation of Adulterating Gas Stations (Revolting) also joined the strike to create a manmade shortage demanding that the government hike falling petroleum prices by 50 per cent. “Just because oil prices drop in the world market doesn’t mean Nepal must follow suit, we are a sovereign country and should set our own prices,” said one oil baron.
Cowdung Supplies Sufficient: Govt
Responding to panic-buying by desperate citizens, GONe has assured all and sundry that Nepal’s strategic stockpile of cowdung patties are enough to meet the nation’s demand for the coming fiscal year.
Faced with a severe shortage of LPG cylinders, the public has reverted to dried cowdung, a traditional fuel. Kitchens of five star hotels have switched to buffalo droppings, and pizza parlours specialising in wood-fired pizzas are now offering dung-fired double-topping pepperonis.
“Thanks to the generous contribution of Nepal’s cattle population, our cowdung supplies are enough to meet any exigencies,” said the Minister of Animal Husbandry and Bullshit.
Jhusil Da to Stay On
The Nepali Congress Central Committee meeting today decided unanimously to allow Jhusil Da to stand in the forthcoming Nepali Kangres Party Convention for President for the Tenth Term until he is 112 years old.
“He is going to stand but in consideration of his advanced years, we are going to allow him to sit,” said his niece, Sujata Koirala, herself not a spring chicken.
Mr Koirala had earlier promised that he would step down as Primordial Minister “the minute the constitution is written in 2072”. It now looks like he won’t have to step down at all because he meant 2072 AD.