And for those of you who have just tuned in, here are today's main headlines once again:
Ghode Jatra staring committee formed
KATHMANDU - The Ministry of Horsing Around has formed a 108-member Staring Committee to organise this year's Ghode Jatra on Tundikhel which, in the interest of the government's general policy of austerity and belt-tightening, will be combined with Gai Jatra, reports RSS.
"The idea is to start lumping our festivals together since there are too many of them anyway," one of the 14 vice-chairmen of the publicity subcommittee whose name begins with "P" said under condition of complete animosity. Addressing a press interaction program at the Reporters' Club, he said several bulls, which had registered their names for the equestrian events and vice-versa, had been disqualified for having fake birth certificates, and would be charge-sheeted in due course. The interaction program was chaired by Rishi Dhamala.
Instead of the cavalry making gravity-defying jumps over Maruti Gypsies in the Obstacles Event, participating cows this year would be required to take part in a paragliding contest by jumping off a Skytruck flying at 9,000 ft above Tundikhel.
Nepal Issues Travel Advisories
BY OUR COMPLETELY UNDIPLOMATIC CORRESPONDENT
KATHMANDU - The Ministry of Foreign Affairs of His Majesty's Government has issued travel advisories to Nepalis to defer all travel for the unforeseeable future because of an uncertain international situation caused by the lack of passports. All non-essential travel has therefore been suspended unless such travel is absolutely essential for purposes of illegally overstaying.
Nepalis who just really have to go, must exercise maximum restraint when visiting inner city Chicago, south-central Los Angeles, Miami, Brixton and parts of Copenhagen. The ministry says that although there are no instances of Nepalis being specifically targeted by heavily-armed street gangs, visitors are nevertheless warned to exercise extreme caution in those cities, and register with the nearest Royal Nepali Honorific Consul General in case emergency evacuation is required. The ministry has also warned visitors to wash their socks regularly while travelling in these uncertain times, since they will be required to take them off at security checks and malodorous socks may set off the smoke alarm.
Nepal wins Submerging Nations Cup
BY OUR ULTRA-NATIONALIST UNSPORTSMANLIKE COMMENTATOR KIRTIPUR - Nepal has won the Submerging Nation Cup by thrashing the living daylights out of Maldives and Bhutan. Nyah-nahna-nyahnyah. Puny Maldives could only muster a measly 34 runs in 23 overs (Harharharhar! So funny, yar!) while brave and patriotic Nepal made a fitting and easy reply by reaching a glorious 35 runs in just 7 overs with no loss (Hallelujah! Jubilation and Exultation! Long Live the Motherland!). Some of the members of the Nepali squad wanted to symbolically nip off the noses and ears of the vanquished teams as souvenirs, but were dissuaded from doing so by the umpires. "I know this is a tradition in these parts, but ICC rules don't allow it," the umpire said afterwards. "It's just not cricket."
In its second game against tiny Bhutan, splendid Nepal posted its highest-ever international total of 397
(Take that, you fellow-SAARC Member!) and beat Bhutan by 353 runs (And that!). One keen observer of the sports scene who did not want to be named because he is, in fact, this scribe, observed keenly: "Finally, Nepal has emerged as a submerging nation."