Due to the amazing progress we have made in the transportation sector it is now possible to whiz from Bhairawa to Kathmandu in a jet in 20 minutes and then spend the rest of the day getting into town from the airport. A traffic jam is a sure sign that a country's macro-economic engine is finely tuned and is darting ahead at eight centimetres a year on the Tukucha Bridge.
On a more practical note, the winter solstice is approaching and the nights are getting longer. This leaves fewer hours at the disposal of high school graduates to rob a bank in broad daylight so they can make a swift getaway. In view of the above, there is now a need to amend some traffic rules so that we can get to the Hogwash Conference before dark or before there is peace in Kashmir, whichever comes first.
The Valley Traffic Police is instituting these new rules with immediate effect to ensure the safety and sanity of the travelling public:
1. All sidewalks are hereby declared Motorcycles Only to make more space on the road for cars. In an emergency, motorcycles can also use the pedestrian overhead bridges.
2. You may well ask, so where are the pedestrians supposed to walk? And that is a very good question. During a taxi strike it is henceforth allowed for pedestrians to actually walk on top of agitating Marutis to get to work.
3. Good news. We've just heard from an unconcerned higher authority that pedestrians are henceforth banned from the streets during rush hour for their own safety and because they slow down traffic.
4. Cows, dogs, rhesus monkeys, uncastrated goats, zoo elephants, marriage horses, water buffalos, chicken, and other street fauna can cross the road at their own convenience as long as they can satisfactorily explain why it is that they want to get to the other side in the first place.
5. It has come to our notice that a lot of motorcyclists unfasten their helmets after being stuck for about five hours at Bhadrakali. This is very dangerous. Put them back on right now.
6. A helmet is compulsory only for your wife squatting side-saddle behind you. Your five-year-old daughter sitting on the fuel tank doesn't need it. But she can wear shades if she wants to.
7. A street centreline is just a humble suggestion, you may drive on the wrong side of the road at any time. In America they drive on the right side, so all you DV guys may as well get some practice.
8. In the interest of road safety, seat-belts have been made mandatory at all times, even if your car hasn't moved since approximately 9:30 yesterday morning. This is to restrain drivers who want to get out and strangle someone.
9. Since passengers are going to be spending so much time in their cars, vehicles are required by law to be self-contained and retrofitted with the following accessories by January First:
a. toilet with shower
b. small restaurant and bar
c. gym with treadmill
d. broadband Internet connection
e. hypertension alarm to warn drivers if their blood pressure is hitting the roof in which case the car automatically turns into an ambulance with flashing lights and a siren which can rush to the emergency ward of the nearest hospital and get there sometime in the new year.
10. For emergencies, all cars must have rocket-propelled ejection seats.