Nepali Times
ASS
Backside
Let's invade India

ASS


Wonders never cease in this Brand New Secular Federal Inclusive Demographic Ex-Monarchy of Greater Nepal as we prepare to declare war on the Indian Subcontinent. Since nationalism is the last refuge of scoundrels, off go the Kranti-curries deporting Indian vehicles with Indian plates (Indian vehicles with Nepali plates are a-ok), banning Bollywood movies, and Hindi songs. CPji and the Kiran Kaka haven't forgiven the Indians for the bad jail food they got in Chennai and Siliguri during the war at a time when PKD, BRB, Sita, and Yummy were slurping Kwality Ice Cream in Noida.

If we had all read carefully the Bracket Baddies' 70-point demand last month, we can't say we weren't warned that Comrade Pumpa wanted us all to start digging trenches and tunnels again. It was all there in black and white. And red.

***

But why are Baidya Ba and Pumpa satisfied with only banning movies and songs? We have to be much more aggressive and add more items to the list if we are to effectively counter the comprador ruling classes, running dog lackeys of imperialism, revisionist fascist hyenas, and capitalist traitors to the proletariat who connive with their hegemonistic masters in Delhi. To set an example, Baidya Ba has said he is ready to extract his Indian corneal transplant, and replace it with a Nepali one at Til Ganga. Nepal Time is only 15 minutes ahead of Indian Standard Time, and that puts us too close for comfort, so Nepalis should reset their clocks to be at least four hours ahead of Indian time. We also don't like to be so near to India anymore, Nepal should physically relocate itself further afield, say, to the Caribbean. And here is a longer checklist of Indian thingies that the Bracket Baddies should ban with immediate effect if they are really serious about this:

Salt
Petrol, diesel, gas
80 megawatts of electricity
Home-made guns
Wedding saris
Pan Parag
Gladioli
Sai Baba
Devnagari script
Kurta suruwals
Tandoori chicken
Yoga
Migratory birds
Monsoon rains

***

Never thought the Ass would live to see the day that Baidya Ba would get into bed with Jhusil, Jhallu and Co. But there they were the other day, knoodling cosily together as if they were joined at the hip, united by their determination to get the Baboo to go.

***

Didn't know the economic crisis was so bad. Comes word that Canada and Great Britain have decided to merge their embassies around the world to save money. Makes sense, since they both share a head of state and all that, eh? Which must be giving PM BRB ideas, since he once said during an unguarded moment that Nepal and India could be merged. Later, when the guano hit the fan, he said he actually meant "submerged". In hindsight, it isn't a bad idea for Nepal to also follow the Anglo-Canadian example and start by merging Nepali and Indian embassies around the world. Look at all the benefits: we save money, our diplomats don't have the hassles of dealing with migrant worker problems, we can sell our Kensington Palace Gardens embassy in London and use the $$$ to build Upper Tamakosi, we could recall all our ambassadors and get them to work in the passport office to reduce the lines outside Naryanhiti.

***

It's getting really difficult these days to tell which are the badder baddies: the opposition Baddies who threaten to bring the country to a halt, or the Baddies in government who threaten to bring the country to a halt. This is the only country in the world where the parties in government take to the streets to protest against the opposition. It is the only country where the Prime Minister openly declares that he is not in charge, and that "someone else has the keys".

***

One has to feel for BRB, though, since he has surrounded himself with a menagerie of ministers each more crooked than the next. His cabinet is made up of a junketing Minister of Women and Children who thinks his job is to take his wife and children on phoren trips, a Moonie Minister whose sole interest is to propagate the Unification Church, a Healthy Minister who collected a couple of corrodes to replace the head of Patan Hospital with a crony's niece, a Deforestation Minister who is on the payroll of illegal loggers, and the Sporty Ministry which got 20 officials to accompany a two-member Para Olympic delegation to London and only nine of the officials came back. then the Financial Minister goes to China to negotiate an airport deal in which his sidekick admitted to taking a 50 lack kickback. and last but not least, the Minister of Disinformation and Miscommunication says all Nepali journos will get life-long pension when they complete 50 years in the profession. Good move, given the lifespan of an average hack, they'll all be dead by then.

***

Kamred Oily got so carried away in his anti-Baddie tirade the other day he called them "mad donkeys". Watch your mouth, KP.



1. Gheo Chaku Naran
Kaname dhanu ,hathame bana,
Kahachale Dilli Sultana?
Jangal ke raja ,
Tumbhiho bade sayana.
 Bado ke khal , badehi pahachana.
 A jaccal meets a weaver near a forest.
 One is frightened of the other.
 The jackal thinks the King of Delhi Prithvi Raj Chauhan is approaching him and he will be killed.
 The poor weaver thinks that the King of the forest is in front of him.
Jackal is very clever animal so he addresses the weaver as the Sultan of Dehli. The weaver addresses the Jackel and says only the noble person knows about the lineage o0f other noble personage. This is what applies to Kirankaka.
Khutti dekdai patyaye.


2. Dinesh Gurung
NT is a biased and discriminating media entity. It does not respect or honour the honest opinions of its readers.  It also does not know the boundary between relgion and politics. It may have to do with the fact that the owners may be elitist and prejudiced.  Supporting an evil and corrupted gang of criminal politicians that have destroyed the country and the people is not a positive media entity. But to shy away from criticism is even worse. In in a few words, the NT has begun to rot, become stagnant and just plain SUCKS. That is too bad !

3. confused ass fan
dear mr gurung, i am confused. did you even read the ass? how does your rant relate to the article in any form i don't understand. if you have to complain to NT maybe writing to the editors would be a better option than to spill your vitriolic attack on a public forum. just saying you know.

4. Moon Man
#2: Maybe the entity who really doesn't know "the boundary between religion and politics" (as you put it) is the Moonie minister in the Bhattarai cabinet. Or maybe you mean the Maoist fundamentalists for whom any criticism is heresy and blasphemy? C'mon man lighten up.


5. Bhaicha
#2,3,4.
Communism  or Marxism is Neo-religion.
 It has become more than religion .One prophet one book  and only one way to salvation.Bahulbad or pluralism is not kosher, not acceptable, blasphemy.


6. The one who cannot be named
"This is the only country in the world where the parties in government take to the streets to protest against the opposition. It is the only country where the Prime Minister openly declares that he is not in charge, and that "someone else has the keys"."
Such Pain in the Ass!!


7. Chirag Thapa
comment removed by moderator for obscenities.

8. donkey-ni
dear mr Chirag BS Thapa, you seem new around here otherwise you would know the Ass is not an 'article' it's satire and a very clever one at that. or maybe you are jealous that the donkey is funnier than you? anyhows, you need to take chill pill with a plate of choela and home-made aila. 

9. shylock
# I hear Baidhya Ba has decided to ban himself with immediate effect as his own ancestors had come from India.
Ass! you get better with every ridiculous political development in the country!


10. Flexible 1
The headline of this week's ass should surely read "let India invade". This would make a lot more sense gramatically, economically and politically.

11. Aga Nyima
Mad Maoist monkeys riding same old rotten car, no where to reach. Driver repeating the same mistakes as the previous one, ignoring traffic signals and road marks for safety, corrupted traffic police let go the mad driver to create more accidents. While the baddie dogs kept on barking day and night, but elephant moved gently back and forth!



12. swami nath
as a matter of fact we Indians also want to ban indian movies do you know, they are crap anyway.

LATEST ISSUE
638
(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)


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