Nepali Times
ASS
Backside
Eat, bray, love

ASS


We have the eating part all sorted out this Tihar. Love is taken care of because the parties are all pretending to have intercourse. It's the braying I'm worried about. What is the Ass going to do to help the process along? All suggestions to ass(at)nepalitimes.com.

***

It is the time of year when each animule has his or her day. The crows are worshipped on Crow Day on Thursday. Dog Day on Friday is actually a national holiday. Cow Day on Saturday is when guys are actually holier than on other days. But why no Ass Day? Why doesn't this asinine country have a day set aside for us donkeys?

The whole of this week, the only decision the prime minister took during his cabinet meetings was to declare next Monday a national holiday. Yay! It seems the only way to have Donkey Day is to take a delegation of donkeys to Baluwatar and present the Take Care Prime Minister with a Gyapan Patra.

***

While we proceed to finish off the goats that somehow escaped decapitation over Dasain (see rescued goat headed to Budhanilkantha, above) it may be time to ask ourselves what would have happened to Nepal's rankings if Transparency International had found out about the goings on at the Food Corporation. Nepal would have pipped Afghanistan to be declared Asia's most corrupt country.

Apparently the big boss at the Food Corruption godown at Thapathali declared 250 goats were dead on arrival, so the chyangras were written off. The high mortality rate, however, raised alarm bells and the Auditor General ordered dozers to exhume and count the ex-goats. Forensic examination at the crime scene uncovered the remains of only 25 bokas and khasis. At the rate of 15,000 roops per goat, means someone made a cool 33.75 laks. Niiiice.

***

And now to politics where, I am glad to report, there is nothing new to report. Everything is where it was last week, and all is hunky dory. BRB's barbs are getting a little barbier, and PKD tried to frame his comrade by sending his name for a Nepal seminar in Delhi so his 'Indian connection' would be exposed. Awesome is up to his old tricks.
By the looks of it the party is headed for a three-way split, and to say that the tirades in the Baddie media are vicious may be an understatement. The Maoist press has such a fearsome reputation that even non-Maoist publishers have launched Maoist-looking newspapers to extort ads from businesses.

There is a slogan going around: "If not Ram Chandra then Ram Baran." The president may not endorse this, but someone should tell the Baron to order his chakaridars not to close down the airport at peak hour just because he is landing or taking off. NOTAMs for VVIP movement are a vestige of our feudal past and should be abandoned.

***

Had been ignoring Suzie Q because she hadn't done anything outrageous for a while. But after her limo got stopped by the Army while she was on her way to send off Ram Baron, she vented venom and scorn at the PM and the COAS. Then she went to the Reporting Club and declared that the army was getting too big for its boots and there would be a military coup unless RCP stepped down. Like Daddy like Dotter. Remember Girija Bau in 2004 unleashed his hired goons to unleash mayhem on the streets of the capital after Kingji's army's stopped him from driving to the tarmac to board a flite to Biratnagar? The Ass' Maruti had its windshield shattered in that riot. Well, the real reason for Suz Ma'm's frayed temper was that she wasn't included in the Prez's China entourage.

***

Looks like after a slew of China visits, everyone and their grandmother is headed south. Going to India are ex-kingG, Lion Brave and Sun Brave. Last one leaving turn off the lights.

ass(at)nepalitimes.com



1. DG
Ass is ignorant of the functions of the UN-Human Right Commission.
The commission is only to safe guard human (rational animal's) right.. It's duty does not include animal( not rational animal's) right.After all man must 'have dominion over the cattle,and over all the earth,and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.'


2. Sete
Don't blame the big boss of the Food Corruption Godown only,he has to survive in this under world of Nepal's political world.The missing 225 changros must have been buried in the graveyard(kabristan) of the political bosses as well' I mean their stomach.
Kale kale milera khayo changra!


3. jange
But why no Ass Day? Why doesn't this asinine country have a day set aside for us donkeys?

Every day is Ass Day in this asinine country. Nepalis only get to call the extra day on leap year as their own.


4. Sargam

On this auspicious occasion of Tihar festival let me tickle the funny bones of all those readers who are really in a festive mood to enjoy such a rare occasion with their families.

As double dip recession has largely shrunk the economy world over, nonetheless we can cut jokes to make it easy going.

Somewhere in the south of Spain where the Brits used to go for vacations but this year: Dear Dad', no Mon' no fun, Your son ; was lingering everywhere. No vacations for 'Dear sons!'

At an one star Hotel the proprietor was simply so gloomy for not receiving any Brit clients for the months of July and August, and also it began to rain cats and dogs to add insult to injury. He was simply thinking as to how could he survive through such a low and disgusting season.

Then all of a sudden an unusual client checked in. He had every aspect of a client from the Gulf of Persia. He inquired if there was a room available to let for over night stay. He took out from his thick wallet a note of 100 euros, put it on the table before the proprietor and took the key from the reception and went forward to ask for the permission to inspect the room if it could be according to his liking. He got accompanied by the receptionist.

The boss took the note of 100 euros and hurried to the butcher's place to pay off what he owed to the butcher. The butcher collected the same note of 100 euros and rushed to the nearby farm of a breeder of pigs. He paid his due to the breeder with delectation to have paid his debt not too late. The breeder ran to meet the local hooker whom he had recently hired once when he really needed it. When the hooker got the note of 100 euros she precipitated to the Hotel because she owed 100 euros to the proprietor for her latest pass.

No sooner had the proprietor grabbed the note of 100 euros the client came down in a hurry and said that he found the room too seedy and snatched the note from the proprietor' s hand, put it into his wallet, and made for the door.

How many people could pay their debt with a mere note of 100 euros to day! LOL!?!  



5. subahs
U all need to relinquish from filtering...free speech MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! let us post what we wanna say extemporaneously!!!!!!!!!!!

LATEST ISSUE
638
(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)


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