Nepali Times
ASS
Backside
Let's do the Analom Vilom

ASS


Like half of Kathmandu, the Ass got up at an ungodly hour this week to head off to Tundikhel. Sitting crosslegged on my hindquarters doing the analom vilom and then kapalbhati while listening to Ram Dev holding forth on geopolitics, it suddenly occurred to the Mule that we should restore the monarchy and make Ram Dev king. "Sita was born in Nepal and Ram was born in India, so Nepal is India's mamaghar," said the godman amidst ripples of applause, "but China is Nepal's kakaghar." Could this be why the big flex poster behind him on the stage that depicted Ram, Sita and Gautam Buddha also had a panorama of Mt Everest, but the north face view from the Chinese side?

***

One-time Bollywood bomb Madhuri Dixit once got into trouble for innocently saying on arrival in Kathmandu that she felt Nepal was "like India". But this week Ram Dev went a step further and said "Nepal aur Bharat ke janata ek hai" and no one raised an eyebrow, there were no angry editorials. His Holiness went on to talk about Nepal's hydropower potential and how it could eradicate loadshedding and hypertension from Nepal forever. Such pearls of wisdom convince me the guru is by far the most popular public figure in Nepal today. He seems to know his stuff, and even Ram Baran looked up to Ram Dev to pay his respects. Since all our so-called leaders seek his blessings, why not make him the supreme leader and get it over with?

***

By now, Chairman Awesome seems to have realised that he shoots himself in the foot every time he opens his mouth. Just the other day he was warming up to his favourite subject ("no constitution until we come to power") when he paused and said: "I'll stop there because I have been warned not to talk too much …" But when he got onstage with Ram Dev this week, he got so carried away again that he babbled on about how his revolution actually was a "fusion between spiritualism and dialectic materialism". He also said he agreed with Ram Dev that animal sacrifice was barbaric, but that (under certain objective conditions) human sacrifice was ok. And he had just started waxing eloquent on how yoga was an inherent part of Mao Thought when the crowd started heckling him. Comrade Stupendousness was oblivious to the hooting, so Ram Dev came to the rescue and sent the Chairman down to practice diaphragm exercises and to explosively expel air through his leftist nostril.

***

The reason Comandante Terrifico seems to be hooked to the opiate of the masses is that he is losing his edge against arch-rival Laldhoj in an internal power struggle. PKD told UML honchos the other day not to trust BRB because he was RAW. Com Red Flag emerged much stronger after Kamred Kiran sided with him on not going for a vote of no confidence against the govt now. Being much better in maths since his SLC days, Baburam Sir knows his party could never muster enough votes. Besides, he thinks the UML-led coalition will get all the blame for not finishing the constitution on time if it stays on till May 28. The pro-Baburam section of the Baddie media have unleashed uncharacteristically blistering attacks on Brother Number One, and BRB himself wrote in an op-ed (choosing his words carefully) that getting into government now without a two-thirds majority would be "awesome stupidity".

***

The newly-revamped Maoist website is worth a visit (www.ucpnm.org) because it has the latest updates, central committee decisions and even a streaming video of the Chairman's speeches, minus the Shaktikhor tape. It will soon carry the new constitution drafted by Com Khimlal Dev-quota, to be launched at the May Day rally. The site also contains the address of the party headquarters at 'Perish Danda'.

***

If you are a Tamang from Nepal with 'Lama' as a surname, be prepared to be singled out at immigration in Shanghai for special interrogation. Apparently those guys think you are all related to HH, The Dalai.

ass(at)nepalitimes.com



1. kabulekanchho

I second this sacred proposal to make Baba Ramdev the king of our beloved Gaijatraland. This will bring one of the Gopal banshi (original of the Rajas of our great and ancient land) back to the throne. We can expand his name as Shiri Paanch Ram Bir Bikram Yadav Dev to sound more regal than the frugal name he carries at the moment.

And keeping in view the janabadi revolutionary  and religious spirit we carry these days, I would like propose Shri 1008 Kripalujee Maharaj for the post of speaker of CA (he speaks fluently on what we need today and has better mastery over words than our kanoonbid but rarely heard Nembang) and Pilot Baba for the Civil Aviation Ministry. Rest of the portfolios and public positions are open for recommendations from spiritually inclined civic society members or up for grab by anyone whose names sounds like Saibaba, Kalibaba.



2. kanishka
Interesting read indeed. Nepal has indeed become a hell of a place to live in. We know too much of our politics to really care for what we really need and deserve. But, please leave religions out of the any sort of discussions (political or otherwise) because we are extremely good at making messes out of every damn opinions. Mr. Ass helps a lot by mixing laughter with crude politics and society but I guess Mr. Ass needs to be warned that some cocktails do more harm than good. Overall I like your bar-tending skills right since those "hat" times.


3. Ram
Comrade Prachanda, great job! You need this. Practice before you open your mouth every time. And also equally important for the rehabilitation of your fighters.


4. chhimeki

yoga very good for PKD, otherwise he may get heart attack because he could not forget the PM chair. 



5. chetan dahal
what an article....loved the last line specially.


6. May
Prachanda agrees with Ram Dev that animal sacrifice is barbaric...but that human sacrifice is ok. Just brilliant! The Ass is your wisest columnist.  

7. gud.try.angle
no.compaints.....on.blessing.news....
HH... Ass.... eat at ease...
1, 2, 3 thumb.oo the last line....
and just correct all.deed in.deed......
might bee worng .... may bee right..... but must be true....
family.treak.muktinath..


8. sir.name '4.cast' '4.side'
in.hell oxygen (Dr.)    x.hell car.boo.MON.ox.side (Cr.)
nose on trade.they.fish.eat, quit......
boo ball words between brackets.....
if the 'L' would bee silent ....
remaining will care everything.....
dreaming shangai dada......
inside out  in  heavenly escape....
passport's all boot.polished....
apple on apple, the lost mapple....
dream trip out of 'interrogation'
nose on tea.ears, seems open
finger in    "inner.change"
caught the PAN.pen.....
n' cooked the sum.bee.done......
minus -ve.jam    add +ve.jam
religion, a safe.tea.zone, jumped in it....
breating in  "open.air.bar"
warp....p.e.a.c.e. sheet....


9. subash
Ram Dev is a scam and trying to fool these docile nepalese people. Be careful!

LATEST ISSUE
638
(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)


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