Since the festive season has begun, the state of emergency has been lifted, and street protests are once more allowed to snarl traffic, we can finally allow previously censored notices from our classified section to the see the light of daytime:
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
It is hereby notified to all concerned that this year's Dasain Festival has been postponed. The festival was originally supposed to be held in five phases starting 11 October, but has been put off because of rowdy behaviour by our rulers. All concerned should watch this space for new dates, but expect it to be held in April 2003, or thereabouts. Goats and buffalos earmarked for martyrdom will now be allowed to carry on with their daily lives until such time as they may again be required to be decapitated in the epic struggle of good against evil. For further information, contact the Department of Sacrifices.
ART
Home delivery of any antiques, religious objects, or statues of your choice. You tell us what to steal and we'll steal it. Pay half now, half later. Installment schemes and bank loans on soft credit also available. Our motto: Don't be idle as long as there are idols about. Order our catalogue today, or visit website: www.godrobbers.gov
WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM
Wanted: Tourists. Take part in Unique Weight Loss Program in Nepal. We are looking for bright, enthusiastic and adventurous visitors to walk up and down incredibly steep and food-deficit mountains for 14 days carrying 20 kg backpacks. Guaranteed to lose at least 10 kg in a week, or your money back. Age, gender and caste no bar. Apply in person, paying $30 for a three-month permit at airport.
HEALING
Hypnosis. Is the world getting too much for you? Fed up with the state of the nation? Let our registered hypnotherapists take you on a trance. Sleep through the troubles and wake up when the country has been set right. Emerge from your sleeplike state a new man and/or woman.
Contact: ursleepy_verysleepy_urasleep@snore.com
POLITICS
Is there a technocrat in you? Do you have what it takes to be in the New Cabinet? Then you may be just the guy we've been looking for, but can't find. Meet us tomorrow morning before dawn at Nag Pokhari for walk-in interview. Bring cv with poster-size photograph. Password: Happy Days Are Here Again.
COUNTRY TO LET
Lovely, spacious, fully furnished, landlocked Himalayan kingdom is available for immediate lease on a management contract. Excellent access to and from all neighbourhood attractions. Walking distance from India. Period and price negotiable. Highly experienced prime ministers, presidents and junta leaders with good financial capacity may kindly bring their full particulars when they call us after Dasain Holidays. No, wait, make that next year some time.
SPORTS
Immediate job openings for at least 15 Nepali athletes in the category boxing, shooting and weight-lifting at South Korean sausage factory. Attractive salary, free hot dogs for lunch. Contact: Relatives in the Greater Seoul Metropolitan Area.
VACANCY
Chief Executive Joker required for Nepal's top newspaper. Incumbent is losing it.
The Ass is on holiday until the issue of Oct.9, so we have reprinted an Under My Hat column by Kunda Dixit from Nepali Times #115, 11-17 October 2002. For Under My Hat archives, click here.
