After years of conducting war on a war-footing the comrades have now promised elections on a war-footing. That's according to the newly-appointed government spokesperson during his first press conference. The affable Mr Mahara was so hassled by hacks pestering him about the Maoist stand on this, that, or the other, that he uncharacteristically lost his cool and reminded reporters he was now government spokesman. "Kina Maobadi le ke garchha matrai sodhne?" asked Mahara babu, "Sarkar le ke garchha pani sodhnus na."

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What a relief to see members of the formerly subterranean party now sounding like every other government minister and side-stepping questions on the government's stance on the demand by Nepal's transgender community for proportional representation in the forthcoming elections.

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The republican wave continues apace with the Loktantrick Karate Championships being held in the capital. Also, the First Republican Ascent of Everest has decided to take along with it the flags of the human rights groups HERPES and INSECT to affix atop the summit. The expedition is going up the Tibetan side of the mountain and the Ass wonders what the Chinese think of all these human rights flags fluttering all over the place and going up the North Face in the year of the Olympics?

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Meanwhile, the Republican Artistes Ensemble held its first ever gathering with revolutionary dignitaries including Comrade Kiran all wearing wide-brim red hats that made the whole thing resemble an Annual Convention of Friar Tuck Lookalikes. As the troupe launched lustily into golden oldie revolutionary numbers, the Ass spotted the singer Raamesh (now, there is one revolutionary who actually has some musical talent) cringing at the back, head in his hand.

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Now that the Maoist Code of Conduct for its ministers has come out we don't see any mention in it of a moratorium on ministers wearing large billas and giving away awards, officiating as chief guests, doing book launches, and delivering soporific keynote addresses from the podium. Don't they have anything better to do out there in Singha Darbar?

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Also, don't Kathmandu-based ambassadors have anything better to do than to troop off to the airport everytime Sri Tin Girija decides to skip town? We understand the envoys had to do that during the feudal days of the royal regime or risk not being invited to Narayanhiti soirees. But in New Nepal? This is probably the only country in the world where plenipotentiaries have to all line up at the airport to say "Bye" and "Hi". Next time, don't go and see what happens.

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The Ass learns that as the fate of his kingdom hangs increasingly in the balance, KingG is relying more and more on soothsayers, voodoo, the occult, and tea-leaf reading godmen and godwomen. They usually tell him what he wants to hear, which is that the monarchy has a bright and glorious future. And that may be the reason why the palace sent out New Year's greeting cards this year: a thrice-folded thingie with a family portrait of the royal family pasted on one side and a picture of Narayanhiti on the other. The king is in casual pants, with the much talked about Nabayubaraj also in the group pic.

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Now that the Ass' cousins in Tehrathum have, after a long hard struggle, finally won the right to have the weekend off, it is celebration time among us underdog donkeys of Nepal. It's a giant leap for Assdom in general and this Ass in particular.

ass@nepalitimes.com