It is clear that our existing institutes of higher learning, which are steeped in old-fashioned values like ethics, integrity and hard work, do not prepare young Nepalis to survive in the brave new world out there. We need new colleges that move with the times to teach students to be street smart so they learn not to walk on the footpath when they can saunter down the middle of the road.

This is why it is heartening to note that the region's first School for Scoundrels (affiliated to the Charlatan Heston University in the USA) has just opened its gates to all wannabe crooks desirous of pursuing higher studies in hooliganism. Everyone wants to be a ruffian these days, so competition is stiff. But the institute has a strict screening policy that shortlists only the scum of the earth, and from that group carefully selects outstandingly evil geniuses with potential to make contributions to society when they grow up.

Freshers immediately get down to serious academics with a special undergraduate curriculum for young thugs that prepares them for a rigorous four-year degree course under a special Rascals-in-Residence program. This is followed by an interdisciplinary PhD studies course in pursuance of a Doctorate in Dacoitry. Then, and only then, can we truly say that we have separated the chaff from the wheat. Interns will have to do compulsory one-year internships in hotbeds of corruption so they garner valuable practical experience.

Full descriptions of the courses offered at the School for Scoundrels may be found under the following appropriate disciplines:

Introductory Course for Smugglers
Course guide: Prof Dr Tusker
Semester: Fall
Level: Intermediate
Nepal has run out of Indian currency as a result of an alarming drop in informal bilateral trade, so there are tremendous job opportunities in this field as we try to fill the shortfall. This course allows students to explore creative new ways to conduct border crossings for their precious cargo, and invites them to view this practice within the broader framework of the WTO.

Extortion as a Force in Nation-Building
Faculty Supervisor: Comrade Johnny Cash
Semester: Fall
Level: Junior
This course offers students an extensive and intensive experience in all kinds of extortion, including purloining, kidnapping for ransom, graft, and blackmail. It is also an expensive course, which in itself is an illustration of extortion. Partial scholarships available for deserving candidates and free firearms training.

Managing Loans: From Defaulters to Sharks
Adjutant Professor: Dean Con Man, PhD
Semester: Year
Level: Advanced
How to be a major loan defaulter and still hold your head high as a respectable member of society. Course supervisor will show you the trick is to be so totally indebted that no one can touch you without setting off a national banking sector collapse.