Transcripts recently declassified under the Freedom of Information Act finally give us a historical perspective on the first ascent of Mt Everest 50 years ago and lays to rest the big question of who got to the top first: Hillary or Tenzing.

It has been well documented that after he came down from the mountain, Ed Hillary told John Hunt: "We knocked the bastard off." What we didn't know was that Sir Ed was in habit of cursing a lot. The following transcript of his conversation with Tenzing as the two approached the summit on 29 May 1953 was discovered at the Royal Geographical Society. The contents are rated 'R' and we will request all unaccompanied minors at this point to run along outside and play on the swing for the duration of this column:

TENZING: (Muffled, through oxygen mask) Sir, can I call you "sir"?
HILLARY: Not yet, 'Zing my man, wait till we knock the $#$%&*@#! virginity off this #$% mountain first.
TENZING: Here we are at the Grade Six bit of vertical rock on the South Ridge, sah'b, we'll need to rope up and I'll cut some steps. Can we name this the Tenzing Step?
HILLARY: Me first. I hereby name this bugger the Hillary Step after myself.
TENZING: Oh. OK.
HILLARY: I'm so &*#@$ tired. Tenzing, why don't you rustle up some rum and coke while I try to establish the highest ever urinal in human history, that is if I can open my %$%#@ zipper.
TENZING: I'd check the wind direction first if I were you. Rum n' coke coming right up, sir.
HILLARY: Billions of blistering barnacles! The $%$#@ thing freezes solid as soon as it comes out, I'll have to keep breaking it off as I relieve myself over the Tibetan plateau.
(Later that day, as the summit comes into view.)
TENZING: You realise, don't you sir, that we are setting some kind of world record here?
HILLARY: Yup, 50 years from now I'll be on a New Zealand $5 note and on the cover of the %$#+& National Geographic.
TENZING: Whoa, there is already someone at the top. It looks like a clerk from the Mountaineering Ministry and he wants to inspect our climbing permit and the receipt for the $60,000 royalty.
HILLARY: You go on ahead, Tenzing. I'll take little nap right here.
TENZING: No, no, it's getting late, we're nearly there, sah'b. Here, let me carry you.

(Tenzing, heaving Hillary on his shoulders, stands on the summit of Mt Everest, see pic.)

This secret transcript clearly proves that while Tenzing was indeed first to set foot on top, Hillary by virtue of being on his shoulder actually reached a higher altitude above mean sea level. The two were wildly feted as they came off the mountain. Hillary kept on muttering something about knocking the sonofabitch off, while the Nepali government commissioned Dharma Raj Thapa to compose a famous folk song which goes: "Our famous Tenzing Sherpa, got to the top, carrying that weakling Hillary in his rucksack."

A slight problem arose when the duo got back to Kathmandu and Tenzing promptly decided that he was an Indian national after all. It took Kathmandu 50 years to finally overcome bureaucratic hurdles to award Nepali citizenship to Hillary in honour of his ability to swear like a native. Now Sir Ed has all the rights and privileges of a Nepali citizen which means he will have to henceforth apply in New Delhi for an Australian visa. But at least he can fly to Lukla for one-third the tourist fare.